I car'nt Spell (spl) Or Use Grammar

I know it should go without saying but I can not under any circumstances spell or use correct grammar. The only time I know how to use a comma is when I am using the word fuck in conversation and I use it as a substitute comma to great effect. So I have never even tried to make out like I can spell because I know damn well I carnt. So thank you to everyone who helps me to learn how to spell despite the fact I have a huge Oxford Dictionary sitting next to me it never appears to help, nor does spell check. I did own a speak and spell as a child for all it was worth, perhaps a private school education would have been better, perhaps not, who knows.
(Note: The word can't was spelt incorrectly for ironic purposes. k)