I Never Thought I Would See The Day

Here are the two most unlikely travellers of all time. Nikki on the right and Renee on the left, both sisters, both never been anywhere and both going on the trip of a life time. I usually nowadays don't go and see people off at the airport as the novelty has worn off, generally due to the car parking prices and the fact that a trip overseas is not that spectacular to me anymore, been there done that. But in the case of Nikki and Renee I made the exception. In fact when they went through the departures gate I nearly cried. Nearly. Not for me I cried but for them, the excitement and the wonderment of a first adventure. They left last Friday for Canada to meet up with the most adventurous of their family, their younger sister Marcy, who has lived in Canada with her husband for two years. I am so blown away to see them both travel because they are so totally and unashamedly blue collar Australian's. They have probably never thought to travel before, or it wasn't high on the priority list of things to do, if they even have a list of things to do. The bottom line is when they venture into the U.S as they are planning on doing an American hearing Renee or Nikki's very guttural Australian accent are quite frankly going to shit themselves, I know I do. Add to this the fact that neither of them has really ventured outside of NSW, been on a long plane trip or experienced life outside of Parrmatta and my favourite thing is Nikki's absolute panic if she has to drive into the city on her own and they are up for the trip of a lifetime. I can't wait for their return to see how they liked it but I fear there response might be "What a pack a moles, callin thongs undies" Of course I wait in anticipation.

Techno Phobe

The mother in law "m.i.l" is staying at the moment, I do love her, but if she asks me one more time how to use the t.v remote
I'M GOING TO SELF HARM......

No Nana In Sight

She failed to show up again tonight. I don't blame her the topic was essay writing. Having written for so many years to the dance of my own tune I am now going to be wielded in like a runaway brumby into a strict equestrian riding maneuver kicking and screaming. The art of essay writing. In a nutshell I am fucked. I can't remember any of the rules because I hate rules when writing. I am the quintessential unconventional conventionist. Though I am going to have sit down and remember what the hell a verb, noun and simile are all about or I will never get into that higher seat of learning I so desire.

All Those Years Ago

Here I am, all of 17 in Hyde Park. This photo was taken by my friend Stuart. I got Stuart to take a succession of photos of me in a vain attempt to give to my ex-boyfriend at the time. It was meant to be something to remind him of me after he dumped me for someone else. Kind of like this is what you are missing. Fool that I was. It didn't work of course. Stupidity like that never does, but at 17 you seem to think it will end like a Barbara Cartland novel. Sadly that is also not true. Still I am glad I have these photos they are truly lovely and reflective of a time in my life when I struggled to know who I was. Its nice to look back and know I finally found out when I never thought I would.

I saw the ghost of W.H Auden at North Parramatta McDonalds

Today whilst sitting in North Parramatta McDonald's I noticed two well dressed elderly gentlemen sitting across from my table. When I first glanced over I instantly thought one of them had an uncanny resemblance to my favorite English poet W.H Auden. Oh how I love W.H Auden, I can recite his poem's and I have vowed if my next born is a boy then he will be named Lawson Auden, Lawson after Henry and Auden after W.H. I then spend the rest of my lunch staring like a school girl at the ghost of W.H Auden chowing down on a Big Mac. I guessed W.H Auden would have been horrified at the thought of himself sitting in a western suburbs fast food outlet since he was a well refined gay English gentlemen who lectured at Oxford. Still he may have seen the funny side of it. He would have also perhaps seen the funny side of the fact I was ultimately kicked out of my 3u English class in the final term of year 12 leading up to the all mighty unforgiving Higher School Certificate on account of his poetry. I found the class I was put in rather annoying as it consisted of six girls, who were all stupid, though apparently we were the top class and they had not a notion of what Auden was portraying in his wonderfully written poetry. They would sit attentively hanging on every word our English master had to say, mainly because he would interpret for them the meaning and linguistic challenges which we all knew they had no chance of deciphering. So after putting up for the last time with them flicking through their dictionaries to find the meaning of words in the poetry I could stand it no more when the best possible word sprang from the page. The poem was "Moon Landing" the line, "It's natural the Boys should whoop it up for so huge a phallic triumph." I sat back as they madly started to look up the word phallic. I waited for a murmur, but it didn't come, I looked as I saw blank expression after blank expression and not being able to take it a moment longer I said to them all "Its a huge cock, ladies" With that I was escorted from the class by the English master and told my comments would no longer be required as was my presence in the class and I would have to study the reminder of the course on my own, which is exactly what I did. At the completion of the year I went to hand in my text books to the old English master when he surprised me by asking me what I was planning on doing with my life. I told him I wanted to write a book. He sneered at me. There was awkward silence. I then said to him, "Yes and I'm going to dedicate it to you." He seemed pleased. I then said "Oh yes and I am also going to dedicate it to the other ladies in my class who probably still don't know what a phallic symbol is but they sure do know how to suck on one." With that he turned on his heel and fled to the staff room.

Get Gothed Up - Under the Blue Moon Festival Saturday 4th October 2008

As you can see every year for the past few years I get gothed up to give a lecture at the festival, Under The Blue Moon. This year is no different. I am giving my lecture at the same venue as always "Simplicity Funerals" Enmore Road, Enmore. I will be on at 4.20pm. My topic this year, "More Murder and Mayhem in Sydney Town." kind of a follow on from last year since it went down well and nobody got up and left before I finished. Always a good indication you are interesting the crowd with what you have to say. So for more information the website is

http://www.underthebluemoon.org.au/

Of course the theme as always with the festival is "an ideal time to do something you've never done before"

Attendance of course is mandatory, as is getting gothed up, corsets and formal wear are optional.

National Trust Photography Competition circa 2006

In 2006 I went on a National Trust tour of the White Bay Power Station. I also thought I might enter a string of photos into their inaugural photo competition. I lost. Here is one of my failed entries. Oh and I thought I was so clever but a rusty old shed is always going to be a rusty old shed. Why am I sharing this with you, well I am yet to drive past the old White Bay Hotel which burned to the ground a few weeks ago but no doubt it won't be long until someone "accidentally" drops a ciggy in amongst this additional prime real estate. I never thought I would have a passion for our industrial past but I have learnt over the past few years through touring a lot of industrial sites through the National Trust and through industrial art work that there is life after work.

There is a Lynda Wolstenholme in every class.

When I was at school there was a girl I was teamed with from year 10 through to 11 for home science practicals, her name was Lynda Wolstenholme. I would arrive at our class unprepared, no apron, and if I did have it then I had not washed it from our last class and it was caked with food, I never had a pen, no notes and no idea of what we were going to do that lesson. Lynda on the other hand had clearly spend the evening before starching and pressing her apron, taken diligent notes from the last class and prepared a list of things "to do" during our practical lesson. The thing which always struck me was her complete lack of not being able to think on her feet. If she wasn't properly guided by the teacher and her "notes" she would literally spin out of control, ending up a red faced cry baby with her head in her hands with the teacher patting her back. Of course it upset Lynda no end that I was unprepared and would always get a higher mark in all aspects of the course than her. On one occasion she begged me to come to her house and "study" before one of our major practical exams. Frankly I knew if you mix flour and water you get glue, but my humour was always lost on her. So reluctantly I went to her house. I was stunned to see her perfect bedroom with its perfect folders chock full of notes for every subject with perfect legibility and easy access. Of course my note taking consisted of writing shit down when I felt like it if I happened to scab a pen of someone and then there was the problem of finding a piece of paper. At then end of year 12 I knew Lynda would go onto University, study something completely useless, then get married young and spit a few kids, and never work a day in her life outside the family home. Correct on all fronts as far as her life plan was concerned so much so I should have written it down for her. So it comes as no surprise today that there is a girl in my course at Uni who is another Lynda knock off. At 36 I still have not lost the want to analyze her level of intelligence to question her on the various aspects of the "study matter", and just see how far I can push, like I used to with Lynda. But. I also remember Lynda's mother. An alcoholic who clearly terrorized her and made her feel worthless. So this could be my opportunity to redeem myself and actually offer the Lynda in my course a few helpful tips. Relax being the first. Who knows perhaps one day she might even end up lending me a pen.

Crunch Female Fitness or Why I Want To Eat A Crunchie

A few months ago I joined the local female gym. It is brilliant they have lovely surroundings, friendly faces, great classes, a creche and all the attention to detail you would expect from a new fresh and recently opened gym. Of course I did what millions the world over do. Join, go once and then never go back. Sadly these fuckers are like having your very own Mafia, and not being content to get my money for nothing they are now holding a blow torch at my bare feet by persisting in sending me letters to encourage me back to the gym. The reality is the gym with all its fantastic fancy equipment is still the most torturous place in the universe, especially when you are over weight and your thighs slap together so violently it causes a small sweat tsunami in your pants which gushes down into your shoes. Add to this indignity the fact I know the whole time I am there I am contemplating what I can gorge myself on upon leaving. Crunch the name of the place is plastered from one end to the other, Crunch = Crunchie my friends, Crunchie, ummm crunch aaaahhhh. I rest my case. Oh and if they think they can Mafia me back by sending me guilt invested letters, yeah well I will go back to the gym, walk in, head straight to the shower room turn the fucker on to hot and stand outside for three hours and let the water run down the pipes. Crunch on that ladies.

Could Nana Be Dead?

Last week at my University course I sat down next to the boy I had originally sat with in the first class, James Bond. Actually his name is James but I always link a person's name to a well known name so I don't forget them. Hence the Bond part. Anyway upon sitting down he had obviously surveyed the room for who was still in attendance a week later and who had already fallen by the way side. On the first week it was hard not to notice a woman who was clearly over 75 in the front row. Her reason for being in the course was to learn more about literature. In any case James Bond noted on our second session she was not there, and said to me "Maybe she died". This week to somewhat confirm our suspicions when she did not appear. I chose not to sit with James Bond this week because I wanted to circulate myself a little and not appear to be frightened of the other students. Which is actually true, I am scared but I refuse to give in to my 10 year old shy self. So alas I did not get to confer with James Bond as to his theory of Nana being dead. So whilst I am meant to be focusing on David Malouf's Imaginary Life I am wondering, Is Nana Dead? Stay Tuned Boppers, till next week.

Ask More Now - Climate Change - Go Fuck A Duck

www.askmorenow.com.au

The best pants pisser that I have seen in a long time was given to me over dinner a few weeks ago by a friend who had been hanging onto a flyer he had received in his letterbox regarding the end of the world as we know it "Climate Change". I am guessing the people who are bank rolling this little gem of wisdom and inaccuracy may not be aware that they may infact be getting ripped off, still if we are to believe a blond Asian woman who is saving the planet by producing full colour brochures in the masses but refusing to eat meat because it will be the fast track to our doom then click the link below and have a laugh. My points on this topic are simple.

1. We have only been recording the weather in Australia for less than 250 years, yet this country has been functioning for more than a few billion, drought, floods and large storms are something which have occurred for a long time before we got here and will continue to do so for many more.
2. Human kind only take up less than 5% of the planet.
3. The rest is water.
4. Washing out your jam jar and placing it in the "correct" bin ain't helping, but it is helping your local government to get some coin.
5. We are yet to discover what is at the bottom of the worlds oceans because we have not yet worked out how to get down that deep, but we are apparently able to confirm the atmosphere is causing catastrophic damage to the world.
6. I'm sorry I can't possibly believe someone who was clearly not born a natural blond.
7. The flyer I have has a picture of a cow a chicken and a pig with the speech bubbles which read "Save our lives! We love you, We pray for you and thank you for your compassion" Umm k.
8. So if I want to become a Madonna spiritualist apparently I can just go to http://www.suprememastertv.com/ and my worries will be behind me.
9. I yearn for the day when the floods in rural Australia come - and they will - and I will be laughing, all the way to my rubber duckie.
10. If you know me then you know my mantra - GLOBAL WARMING - GO FUCK A DUCK!

One From The Vault....

Thanks to Anthony I have now spend a great deal of time away from You Tube and many more fun filled hours on this lovely website. Some of the songs on this site are rare, and some are rare because they were crap, still it is worth a look see.
http://www.80smusicvids.com/

A Song For Muffy

Muffy has a love of music which is most endearing to me. This song is one of my favorites and we have talked about it plenty of times http:www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIYJrFzphQ0
because without doubt we were never being boring.

Survivor's

On Saturday night at Muffy's party I was compelled to think about those who would not be joining in on the celebrations of a Sydney gay man's 50th party, Muffy or otherwise. As I surveyed the room I hazard a guess there would not be one person there who was not effected by the plague in a very profound manner during the 70's, 80's and 90's. So many who were rich in talent, creativity and glamour perished. I wondered what would have happened if there had been no AIDS, would I have been at a different type of party altogether, though it was full of interesting people, opulent surrounds and sublime food I was left to wonder, are these the survivors of such a terrible tragedy in human kind and if so do they think about how lucky they were to escape what seemed at the height of the epidemic a deathly forgone conclusion for them? Ultimately in all situations like this I sit back and look at people and hope they were not one of the unlucky ones who lost a partner a friend or a relative but I doubt it very much. I once had the audacity to ask Muffy how he had come out unscathed. His response was to me profound in as much as it was also the hand of fate which had swung his way at the time. He happened to be in a monogamous relationship during the peak years when we were unsure of what the world was dealing with. Upon reflection it doesn't really matter now because realistically AIDS does not discriminate, a couple of million heterosexual's have found this fact out the hard way. Though back when it all began, not that long ago, the gay community were being ravaged by a disease which ultimately killed many of them because they happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and like an accident of any doing this is how in my view so many were taken from us, without doubt through no fault of their own, which makes it all the more tragic.

Watch out John Holmes its Muffy the Mega Star

There really isn't anything to say other than, one should be careful about the type of photos they collate for a birthday feature wall. Though more importantly they should be aware of the person who carries a purse sized camera.

The boy from Oz - Or Muffy in Barbados???

Here he is the man himself, he turned a cool 50 on Saturday and I was lucky enough to be there to chime in his now found 50ishness. I was naughty and took a photo of the photo board someone had put up for the big birthday party. I have to say I love this photo, its brilliant. Stay tuned for a few he will wish I had not seen and had my camera to take proof of.

Aldi Alert!! Aldi Alert

http://www.aldi.com.au/

This week you can get a loaf of bread and some milk and you can get Nana a wheel chair for the bargain price of $199, imagine her surprise when you come home from shopping with this little gem. Or for the more sensual types you can get a "professional" massage table and to kick you off in your new found career a 1 ltr tub of massage oil. Brilliant Huh!! I love Aldi, and no doubt you will to if you venture in this week, oh and don't forget to have a look at the camp bed and portable camp toilet. Who could ask for more when picking up the weekly groceries.

The Universe Looks Down On Me Again - Or Why I Love Hippies!!!

Yesterday whilst perusing the shops for a birthday present for Muffy with whom's party I attended last night, I stopped to have a "la de da" Taro milk tea, no pearl because who knows what they fuck they are, but I digress. I sat down on a seat in the shops and began enjoying my wank fest, when. About two minutes after i sat down a woman approached me begging for money. Normally i might feel inclined to help a poor unfortunate but on this occasion I was just annoyed at the intrusion. I have a baby, I work and I was enjoying my first real taste of money for 18 months. So I said "no I could not help" and proceeded to get up in haste and leave because I was in a vulnerable position which meant she could lean over me and continue to beg. I then headed for Priceline to wander the shelves of 4711 fragrance heaven. When I had made my cheap mascara choice and sprayed at least 7 different nasty perfumes onto each wrist until I smelt like what I assume a big brother contestant might smell like I headed for the counter. Upon opening my handbag my wallet was gone. Strangely I didn't panic. I just stood there calculating how it could be gone and what I was going to do next. I apologized to the counter clerk and sped off to try and find what had happened to it. My first port of call the juice bar, I approached and was told no wallet had been found. I then headed for the seat where I had last been. As I got closer a hippie couple were sitting on the seat, they asked me if I had lost a wallet. I said I had and they proceeded to hand it straight over to me. It was amazing because they told me they had seen it and sat down and waited for my return. I thanked them profusely and offered them money, a coffee or a dodgy pearl iced tea of their choice but they declined and waved me goodbye, no doubt the pungent smell of me was enough to see them take off as quickly as they could. I would love to say I never forget my wallet or lose my keys or lock myself out of my car but if you know me then you are aware I am nothing short of Magoo on crack when it comes to these things. The best part is this is not the first time this has happened, in fact I lost my wallet in the same shopping centre at Chrsitmas time and got it straight back. I do believe since I had just come from my volunteer job at 2RPH and the fact I have always given any wallet or handbag I have ever found bag back to its owner may be keeping me in good sted with the universe, and after yesterday I think I am right.

Fluff for Miss Furley

Not one to let sleeping dogs lie, I thought I might give Rhonda a laugh and any one else reading, if they are inclined to laugh at the odd fart type story. The previous photo of David, the prat who left us for higher learning reminded me of the time the dirty git let one rip inside a night club dance floor. Damn near cleared the joint. After the placed had cleared and he was left standing in his own waft he proceeded to turn around and shout "It was Jodie"....

Driving in cars with boys!!!!! Or the real reason I never went to university...

Here I am, all of 17 or 18 in the back of my friend Claudia's car. I am sandwiched between David on the left, who I never liked, and have never seen pretty much after we got out of the car and he fucked off to university, prat that he was, and Stuart on my right my long lost friend who I am now reunited with and loving every moment of being with. The coles boy would have been 1 when this photo was taken and I could have been his mother, but the notion of children at that stage in my life was the furthest thing on my mind, as was going to University, too many parties, too many people to love, too many places to see and not a pot to piss in .