The Foetal Position

Last week I was at the birth of my friends baby. A water birth at that! This is not the first time I have been on the other side of the fence. My sister Jodie, not me in the third person, Jodie I am so pretty, I am an air hostess Jodie, well I also went to the birth of her second spawn. So the difference with this birth was the fact that I was able to experience it from the first contraction through to the all encompassing screaming fest which is pushing the baby out. Unlike Jodie who still looked like a supermodel after only spending 2 hours from zero to baby, yes she is a total bitch and I hate her, this birth was a little more full on.

Another dear friend Simone has made it clear to me on a number of occasions that she feels that the business of natural birthing is barbaric and unnecessary and as she had a wonderful Cesarean she is totally against pain when you don't really need to go through it. Too posh to push so to speak. I have to say I am still not an advocate for the old "quarter chicken and chips" that is where they cut you open like a chook to get the stuffing out. Although I am starting to think that well I guess it is an option for the piss weak. All the women who were present at the birth, myself, Jodie and Mandy the poor dear who was screaming for her dear life to end had all had two children. Well actually Mandy was giving birth to her second child at that very moment, so between us we had some experience.

Jodie and I did all we could during the contractions to ease Mandy's pain, rubbed her back, feet, and body, held hot compress to her belly and generally stayed positive. When her waters broke and it was serious "game on" we filled up the bath and prepared for the 1960's water birth minus the dead kid at the end. I have to say that Jodie and I know the type of screams that means that the baby is imminent and about an hour before "those" screams came we kept saying to Mandy, "sorry girlfriend you just ain't going to have him right now" How true that was. So by the time we got down to the business end of the evenings proceedings Mandy was screaming like all holy hell and I felt every fucken inch of what she was going through.

When she couldn't catch her breath in between pushing and contractions I almost burst into tears, but then we should have all enrolled in the "breathing in birth" classes lest it may have helped, umm not! And then there he was and the pain was over. Birthing is an amazing thing and for me after spending a million years on the latest diet, going to the gym and pretty much loathing my body after watching it do what it is meant to do it leaves me wondering why I worried so much about it. Still those screams left me in the foetal position. So no Miss Scarlett, I ain't birthin no babies.