National Trust Photography Competition circa 2006

In 2006 I went on a National Trust tour of the White Bay Power Station. I also thought I might enter a string of photos into their inaugural photo competition. I lost. Here is one of my failed entries. Oh and I thought I was so clever but a rusty old shed is always going to be a rusty old shed. Why am I sharing this with you, well I am yet to drive past the old White Bay Hotel which burned to the ground a few weeks ago but no doubt it won't be long until someone "accidentally" drops a ciggy in amongst this additional prime real estate. I never thought I would have a passion for our industrial past but I have learnt over the past few years through touring a lot of industrial sites through the National Trust and through industrial art work that there is life after work.

There is a Lynda Wolstenholme in every class.

When I was at school there was a girl I was teamed with from year 10 through to 11 for home science practicals, her name was Lynda Wolstenholme. I would arrive at our class unprepared, no apron, and if I did have it then I had not washed it from our last class and it was caked with food, I never had a pen, no notes and no idea of what we were going to do that lesson. Lynda on the other hand had clearly spend the evening before starching and pressing her apron, taken diligent notes from the last class and prepared a list of things "to do" during our practical lesson. The thing which always struck me was her complete lack of not being able to think on her feet. If she wasn't properly guided by the teacher and her "notes" she would literally spin out of control, ending up a red faced cry baby with her head in her hands with the teacher patting her back. Of course it upset Lynda no end that I was unprepared and would always get a higher mark in all aspects of the course than her. On one occasion she begged me to come to her house and "study" before one of our major practical exams. Frankly I knew if you mix flour and water you get glue, but my humour was always lost on her. So reluctantly I went to her house. I was stunned to see her perfect bedroom with its perfect folders chock full of notes for every subject with perfect legibility and easy access. Of course my note taking consisted of writing shit down when I felt like it if I happened to scab a pen of someone and then there was the problem of finding a piece of paper. At then end of year 12 I knew Lynda would go onto University, study something completely useless, then get married young and spit a few kids, and never work a day in her life outside the family home. Correct on all fronts as far as her life plan was concerned so much so I should have written it down for her. So it comes as no surprise today that there is a girl in my course at Uni who is another Lynda knock off. At 36 I still have not lost the want to analyze her level of intelligence to question her on the various aspects of the "study matter", and just see how far I can push, like I used to with Lynda. But. I also remember Lynda's mother. An alcoholic who clearly terrorized her and made her feel worthless. So this could be my opportunity to redeem myself and actually offer the Lynda in my course a few helpful tips. Relax being the first. Who knows perhaps one day she might even end up lending me a pen.

Crunch Female Fitness or Why I Want To Eat A Crunchie

A few months ago I joined the local female gym. It is brilliant they have lovely surroundings, friendly faces, great classes, a creche and all the attention to detail you would expect from a new fresh and recently opened gym. Of course I did what millions the world over do. Join, go once and then never go back. Sadly these fuckers are like having your very own Mafia, and not being content to get my money for nothing they are now holding a blow torch at my bare feet by persisting in sending me letters to encourage me back to the gym. The reality is the gym with all its fantastic fancy equipment is still the most torturous place in the universe, especially when you are over weight and your thighs slap together so violently it causes a small sweat tsunami in your pants which gushes down into your shoes. Add to this indignity the fact I know the whole time I am there I am contemplating what I can gorge myself on upon leaving. Crunch the name of the place is plastered from one end to the other, Crunch = Crunchie my friends, Crunchie, ummm crunch aaaahhhh. I rest my case. Oh and if they think they can Mafia me back by sending me guilt invested letters, yeah well I will go back to the gym, walk in, head straight to the shower room turn the fucker on to hot and stand outside for three hours and let the water run down the pipes. Crunch on that ladies.

Could Nana Be Dead?

Last week at my University course I sat down next to the boy I had originally sat with in the first class, James Bond. Actually his name is James but I always link a person's name to a well known name so I don't forget them. Hence the Bond part. Anyway upon sitting down he had obviously surveyed the room for who was still in attendance a week later and who had already fallen by the way side. On the first week it was hard not to notice a woman who was clearly over 75 in the front row. Her reason for being in the course was to learn more about literature. In any case James Bond noted on our second session she was not there, and said to me "Maybe she died". This week to somewhat confirm our suspicions when she did not appear. I chose not to sit with James Bond this week because I wanted to circulate myself a little and not appear to be frightened of the other students. Which is actually true, I am scared but I refuse to give in to my 10 year old shy self. So alas I did not get to confer with James Bond as to his theory of Nana being dead. So whilst I am meant to be focusing on David Malouf's Imaginary Life I am wondering, Is Nana Dead? Stay Tuned Boppers, till next week.

Ask More Now - Climate Change - Go Fuck A Duck

www.askmorenow.com.au

The best pants pisser that I have seen in a long time was given to me over dinner a few weeks ago by a friend who had been hanging onto a flyer he had received in his letterbox regarding the end of the world as we know it "Climate Change". I am guessing the people who are bank rolling this little gem of wisdom and inaccuracy may not be aware that they may infact be getting ripped off, still if we are to believe a blond Asian woman who is saving the planet by producing full colour brochures in the masses but refusing to eat meat because it will be the fast track to our doom then click the link below and have a laugh. My points on this topic are simple.

1. We have only been recording the weather in Australia for less than 250 years, yet this country has been functioning for more than a few billion, drought, floods and large storms are something which have occurred for a long time before we got here and will continue to do so for many more.
2. Human kind only take up less than 5% of the planet.
3. The rest is water.
4. Washing out your jam jar and placing it in the "correct" bin ain't helping, but it is helping your local government to get some coin.
5. We are yet to discover what is at the bottom of the worlds oceans because we have not yet worked out how to get down that deep, but we are apparently able to confirm the atmosphere is causing catastrophic damage to the world.
6. I'm sorry I can't possibly believe someone who was clearly not born a natural blond.
7. The flyer I have has a picture of a cow a chicken and a pig with the speech bubbles which read "Save our lives! We love you, We pray for you and thank you for your compassion" Umm k.
8. So if I want to become a Madonna spiritualist apparently I can just go to http://www.suprememastertv.com/ and my worries will be behind me.
9. I yearn for the day when the floods in rural Australia come - and they will - and I will be laughing, all the way to my rubber duckie.
10. If you know me then you know my mantra - GLOBAL WARMING - GO FUCK A DUCK!

One From The Vault....

Thanks to Anthony I have now spend a great deal of time away from You Tube and many more fun filled hours on this lovely website. Some of the songs on this site are rare, and some are rare because they were crap, still it is worth a look see.
http://www.80smusicvids.com/

A Song For Muffy

Muffy has a love of music which is most endearing to me. This song is one of my favorites and we have talked about it plenty of times http:www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIYJrFzphQ0
because without doubt we were never being boring.